February 25, 2007
On one occasion, I was introduced to a 40-year-old man by an acquaintance. I received a call inquiring whether it was OK to be introduced to him and to give him my number.
Without hesitation, I agreed. These days, I'm open to being introduced to any kind of gentlemen. That is something I would not have wanted 10 years ago.
"Hi Angel, this is Arnold. I got your number from *** ."
The first text message (SMS) came when I was having my hair done at a modern Jakarta salon.
"Oh hi," I replied and the SMS conversation continued for a while. After some time, there was no indication that he would prefer to call, especially to ask questions that shouldn't be asked by SMS, simply because an SMS reply would be too long.
At the end of the SMS exchange, he asked me to meet up to take in a movie.
It was not too much of a surprise that our first date would be at the movies, but the real shock came from his last SMS that day: "You can choose the movie and venue. I'll pick up the bill or do you want to share it? LOL" (Lots of love).
I was stunned. I didn't know how to reply and lost all interest to meet or get to know him.
A little voice inside me was saying "Does he actually want to take me out? If so, does he really want to pick up the bill or does he expect me to pay on our first date?"
In modern-day society, people acknowledge the existence of gender equality. Women are regarded as equals in terms of work (and salary?), their rights and the respect they are due.
In the old days, men were somehow considered superior to women -- the ones who were expected to protect women, including supporting them and paying for everything.
Fast-forward to the present and values have changed. Gender roles are more evenly divided and equality is more common.
As women started to have better jobs and occupy more senior positions at work, more and more women received a higher income.
In this regard, we used to think that the ego of men would be threatened by greater equality for women and their growing role in society.
Men do not feel as superior as they did before and women now have more power. How are men coping with this situation?
Within Indonesian culture, the gentlemen are the ones who usually pay for the ladies. In Western countries and elsewhere, men usually pay on the first date, women the next.
I've lived in three continents so far and have never seen a culture that expects women to pay on the first date. In this example, I really don't know which culture he had adapted to.
He said he used to live in the United States but, as far as I know, even there men still respect women by paying on the first date.
*****
I was on holiday in Jakarta when Nivo, 34, called me one Saturday and asked whether I would like to go out with him. He used to be my date a couple of years ago and happened to be on how own this time around.
Janice, a friend from Singapore, was staying with me, but since I was departing for Singapore the next day, I would have no other opportunity to go out with him, so I told him that I had a friend staying with me.
He said it was OK to bring her along, so we confirmed the time to meet.
At around 1 p.m that day, he showed up and took us for a barbecued seafood lunch. The food was delicious and Janice was really satisfied with it. Then, after we'd finished, we asked for the bill. The waiter brought it and gave it to Nivo.
He studied it for about three seconds and gave it to me. I was surprised when he handed it to me. In Indonesia, it is the custom that the guy will pay first and the woman will pay her share later.
Sometimes, the guy prefers to pay as a matter of pride. Adding to my surprise, he didn't even ask me how much he had to pay, even after he'd taken us home. He just said "thank you".
I was dumbfounded. Janice asked me later that night whether Nivo had paid, and I could only shake my head helplessly in reply.
She was surprised and said that probably he'd forgotten and might SMS me later as a matter courtesy. That night, no SMS came. In fact, I'm still waiting for it.
*****
A friend of mine (aged 32) told me that she was once out on a date with a guy (37). After the lunch, they were not sure where to go, so my friend suggested they go for a cup of coffee.
The guy she was dating said that probably they should just go to her house instead for coffee.
My friend was really shocked at his response. To her mind, not only was the guy stingy -- he also wanted a free coffee!
*****
These stories were a subsequent source of amusement for my friends and me. We just couldn't believe that not only were these guys calculating characters; it also seemed that they didn't even have the pride to be "the man" anymore.
Is this case with all men over 30 or did we just happen to have unlucky dates?
The truth is, although modernity means equality, deep down, women would still hope that the latter explanation was the real one.
(The names in this article have been changed to spare embarrassment)
-- Miss Twinky
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